I feel so lost. Lost in my own life. Perhaps I was always lost and I am just noticing it more and more. The magnitude of being lost is so strong that I just cannot escape from it. I no longer identify with the past things I used to like to do and beliefs I was holding onto to
The law of life is whatever we fear of loosing, it will be taken away from us. The more fear we have of loosing something; the quicker it gets removed and the more desperate we become to hold on to it.
Whenever things are taken away from us it is only an external reflection of the internal changes happening inside of us. It is only our perception evolving. It is a gift given to from Cosmos.
My job is to destroy you.
Tell you what a looser you are.
How pathetic you are.
How you will never make it.
You aren’t worthy.
Nobody loves you.
Nobody cares about you.
You are on your own.
You don’t deserve good things.
You deserve to suffer.
You deserve to struggle.
To extinguish your life force.
You can’t do it.
You don’t know how.
To control you.
To strip you of your dignity.
To guilt you into shame and despair.
To stifle you.
Make you shrink.
To torture you.
To laugh at you.
To deceive you.
Make you powerless.
To suck the life out of you.
Tell you that you are not good enough, strong enough, or smart enough.
To make you forget who you are.
It’s my job to keep you in maya (illusion) at all costs.
This was divulged one evening while I was doing the Swa-Poortva Kriya.
Here is the link: http://nithyanandatimes.org/are-you-complete-with-you/
As this conversation delivered itself it reminded me of this song from The Rolling Stones "Sympathy For The Devil". The words nicely depict the deception our ego and how it is the only enemy within.
I have moved a lot and every time I move I get rid of things. I have narrowed it down to all that I own fits in my car and I have a small volkswagen Beetle and it's packed at that. Somehow still to me that is too much but I am unwilling to let it all go at the same time if that makes any sense. I cannot let it go because I have a serious attachment to the stuff. I have a deep fear that I may need it someday or I may not be ok without it. Today while I was packing because I am moving again (I do that a lot) across the country I got the click that all still stuff I am lugging around from place to place is symbolic of all the karmic baggage I am carrying. All the outworn, disempowering mental patterns I am holding onto which form the basis of my so called identity. None of this stuff I really need but I hold onto 'in case' and all it does is weigh me down heavily. I am afraid to let go of it because who would I be if I just unloaded it? Would I be ok? Would I be safe and taken care of? Why is it so comforting to be hanging on to this stuff? Even though this stuff causes me pain literally by schlepping it around all over the place I still continue to do. The same way all these old patterns cause me discomfort but I keep holding on to them allowing them to limit me.
While all this is going on I am reminded that enlightenment can happen in an instant if I just let go of my identity for just one second but I keep holding onto my identity because it's scary and I don't know any different. Sounds so ridiculous like why would I hold onto this, it's so limiting and suffocating but yet I continue. This is where Maya is nicely doing her job by telling me who would I be if I did not have this safe, cozy identity. There are so many times when I just want to let go and say I don't need this stuff why can't you just trust everything you need will be provided for you at the right time. The same way with enlightenment if I just let go, everything and beyond is sitting right inside of me. However, once again the attachment of fear takes precedence and I continue to lug my crap around everywhere I go. How long is it going to take for me to get completely exhausted and just finally let it drop? I guess when I finally realize this crap is not serving my anymore and it's time to move on. I have always been the 'slow kid' so until I have had enough it looks like gradual enlightenment has to be for now unfortunately.
I have been waiting to have a hysterectomy for 6 months (technically it should have been much sooner) and now the saga is finally over. This has been my 'story' for way too long and now I over-joyed to let it go once in for all literally. I been suffering with heavy menstrual periods since the age of 15 years old until recently when the whole situation hit the breaking point. I bled non stop for 3 months straight and had to be admitted into the hospital for a massive blood transfusion. I had a large non cancerous fibroid tumor camping inside of my uterus which it had made it's home. The fibroid was growing rapidly and causing more and more pain and discomfort, not to mention an extended belly the size of a six month old pregnant women. I was told in late 2011 that surgery was the only solution for this problem. I refused to accept this as final so I researched natural remedies, herbs, juicing, and self healing. Nothing worked and now the situation has reached it's peak and I cannot live like this any longer. I have had severe anemia for years and was constantly fatigued, dizzy and weak. I did not know what it was like to have energy at all anymore and I was tired of being tired.
I don't know if you have ever seen pictures of fibroids but they aren't pretty in fact they are down right ugly looking. They are huge balls of tissue living off your blood and nutrient supply. Living with a fibroid or fibroids is like living with demons inside. I felt like this thing was literally sucking the life force (prana) out of me not only physically but energetically big time. It was long over due time and it had to come out because I was tired of it ruling my life. Any longer and I would have to charge it rent.
Right after the blood transfusion I fully expected to have an immediate surgery but to no avail it did not happen. I had all sorts of test including a biopsy and now all I had to do was wait for the results. So I did, that took weeks then it turned out I had to have another one because they did not take enough tissue the first time. Once again I waited weeks then got those results which were the same as the first one benign. From that point I continued to wait and wait for them to call me to schedule a date. Finally the call came and I had only little over a week to prepare. The irony of the whole thing is I had been preparing myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually but when the date was actually approaching I was like 'oh shit' I have to do this. Even though I knew it was coming the fact that it was only one more week away turned out to be a benefit, less time to freak out.
So I got busy and started preparing my body. I started by doing Shankprakshalana Kriya (intestinal wash) to clean out my intestines so the plumbing would be run smoother after the surgery. I also gave up coffee because it was just intensifying
the anxiety and fear plus I did not want to have coffee withdrawals on the day of the surgery on top of the event itself. Looking back now that was a smart move on my part. I also drank tons of green juice every single day and ate more kale than most people can tolerate. Did lot's of yoga because it would be quite a long time before I can move my body that again, took long walks, kriyas, and meditation.
The day before the surgery I started noticing something very strange it felt like I was in dream and was experiencing a feeling of 'no identity' quite frequently. This all happened up until the last moment until I went under the anesthesia, I was so amazed at how calm I was. The fear was there but not over powering me, it felt so surreal. The only thing I kept hearing in my head over and over during the whole thing was "just keep surrendering to the experience". So I did and I did not suffer at all. My whole intention before hand was to not wake up in pain and I did not, in fact the entire time it was managed.
When I was back in my room I felt so blissful (not sure if it was the good drugs or what) and extremely happy. That evening and the next day I spent with friends laughing quite a lot. Mostly making uterus jokes. Laughing is good medicine but not good for the belly but it did not stop me. Before leaving the 'Castle' (hospital) my doctor came in and said the surgery itself took four hours and my uterus was BIGGER than a cantaloupe!
Dang, I knew it was big but not that big! Needless to say I was so relieved to get that thing out of me once and for all. The funny thing was they kept bringing cantaloupe for each meal so when I got home I was still craving it. We made jokes that my body was missing it's 'friend'.
I believe our cells hold memories and out of these memories if they are not pleasant can be the root causes of our diseases and illnesses in the body. For me this area had undergone abuse, trauma, pain, neglect, hatred, shame, guilt and anger so my body created this tumor complied of negative energy and it had to be removed physically from my body. I just 'knew' instinctively or intuitively that once this thing was removed I was going to be a new being. It was one thing to deal with the physical issues but energetically I was really looking forward to getting rid of this thing.
It is said the uterus is the seat of creativity because it gives birth literally. My uterus never gave birth to anything. The only thing that made me sad was I was still dying to express myself creatively. Now that the fibroid is gone I feel like all that negative energy is gone and now I can more forward with a fresh start and a new lease on life. It's as if the impediment is is now gone and I feel lighter and free.
Not only did I face massive fears I had about hospitals, doctors, needles, tubes, cutting and the intrusiveness on the body but I gained trust in myself. I learned that I am much stronger than I thought I was and so is my body. I really can handle it and I did and it was much easier than I thought it would be. My mind made out to be this scary horrible thing and it wasn't. It was very doable and honestly I really even didn't feel discomfort everything was managed nicely.
So much power comes in facing our fears so much trust in ourselves and the Universe happen.
I also noticed that I did not have any 'trauma' over the surgery, hangover or in- completion. I didn't even have that hospital smell but I did smell like fried chicken but a shower took care of that.
In fact I feel like I completed something huge. Put something to rest once and for all. My fear has disappeared and in order for it to disappear one has to courageously face it and walk through the door only to come out on the other side transformed.
So many lessons occurred on this journey. I learned to trust myself and my body exclusively and not rely on someone else to supply that strength or approval. All this gave me strength and belief in myself which i never had before. I healed all my feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame and abuse and i learned to love my body and ask for forgiveness for all the unloving things I said and did to it.
So much immense gratitude for all my amazing friends for their love and support. A few of them even shared their home, their food and their hearts with me during this time. I was overjoyed and showered with so much love.
I know i am in a good space now that it is all said and done. I feel my story has been laid to rest and now I can move on to other things much bigger things like reinstating my life with new energy and vigor. It feels as if $10,000 million pounds has been lifted off of me and I am liberated like so much karma has been burned. I feel like a new being. Now I have crossed over to 'the other side' as we say in Hyster Sisterville . Feels good to have arrived and to have let go of all that 'hyster-y' once and for all.