Wealthy Lotus

No mud. No lotus.

Free Falling

Spirituality, Self, Dark Night of The SoulSarvasmarana Ananda Ma NithyaComment

I feel so lost. Lost in my own life. Perhaps I was always lost and I am just noticing it more and more. The magnitude of being lost is so strong that I just cannot escape from it. I no longer identify with the past things I used to like to do and beliefs I was holding onto to. 

I feel like I am in between worlds in a sense. I am still not yet what I want to be nor am I who I was or thought I was. It’s like the new me is within my reach—I can see it, touch it, and taste it, but yet at the same time it’s still slipping through my fingers. 

It’s like I am a stranger in my own life, my own dream of my own making. There is no connection to this nameless, formless being that I am identifying with. Sometimes I get the feeling I am wavering between 2 worlds. It feels like I am free falling like Alice down the rabbit hole at a very fast past. However, it’s not smooth, it’s rough because I keep hitting my head on rocks as I plummet down. It’s painful and I just cannot stop it. It’s like an energy all of it’s own. A force that is so strong and powerful, but at the same time gentle, loving and caring. It feels like a grand Mother bird so ever gently saying; “It’s time for you to fly on your own, don’t worry you already know how to do this. It’s all in you. You have just never used what you have. It’s time to fly!” 

Maybe it’s fear of the unknown. The things I used to do to escape and feel so called ‘freedom’ no longer make me experience relief anymore. All the old life negating, withdrawing patterns no longer work. I cannot escape from myself any longer. I have to face my blindspots and release them once and for all. They are no longer me, nor were they ever me. They were just false associations I was identifying with. The old escapisms no longer work for me. It’ s like I am clinging to safety or what I used to perceive as being ’safe.’ Underneath this clinging is so much fear. Fear of letting go of what is ‘known’ and leaping into the ‘unknown.’ 

There is a constant push and pull, expansion and contraction happening. One day I feel powerful, the next I feel stuck in the shit again. On a deep level I know the ego is dying a slow death once and for all. There is a sense of loss and a sadness as morbid as that sounds. But in an even more peculiar way I am also grieving because I am loosing the old false identity. This is why all the old things I used to ‘love’ I no longer care for anymore. They were all based on a false identity. As the old structure rebuilds itself there is a sense of feeling unstable and unbalanced. My footing is shaky but deep down I know a new me is emerging. I am emerging into my true Self which is unshakeable, and indestructible.