Wealthy Lotus

No mud. No lotus.

Refusing to Let Go of Karmic Baggage

Sarvasmarana Ananda Ma NithyaComment

I have moved a lot and every time I move I get rid of things. I have narrowed it down to all that I own fits in my car and I have a small volkswagen Beetle and it's packed at that. Somehow still to me that is too much but I am unwilling to let it all go at the same time if that makes any sense. I cannot let it go because I have a serious attachment to the stuff. I have a deep fear that I may need it someday or I may not be ok without it. Today while I was packing because I am moving again (I do that a lot) across the country I got the click that all still stuff I am lugging around from place to place is symbolic of all the karmic baggage I am carrying. All the outworn, disempowering mental patterns I am holding onto which form the basis of my so called identity. None of this stuff I really need but I hold onto 'in case' and all it does is weigh me down heavily. I am afraid to let go of it because who would I be if I just unloaded it? Would I be ok? Would I be safe and taken care of? Why is it so comforting to be hanging on to this stuff? Even though this stuff causes me pain literally by schlepping it around all over the place I still continue to do. The same way all these old patterns cause me discomfort but I keep holding on to them allowing them to limit me. 

While all this is going on I am reminded that enlightenment can happen in an instant if I just let go of my identity for just one second but I keep holding onto my identity because it's scary and I don't know any different. Sounds so ridiculous like why would I hold onto this, it's so limiting and suffocating but yet I continue. This is where Maya is nicely doing her job by telling me who would I be if I did not have this safe, cozy identity. There are so many times when I just want to let go and say I don't need this stuff why can't you just trust everything you need will be provided for you at the right time. The same way with enlightenment if I just let go, everything and beyond is sitting right inside of me. However, once again the attachment of fear takes precedence and I continue to lug my crap around everywhere I go. How long is it going to take for me to get completely exhausted and just finally let it drop? I guess when I finally realize this crap is not serving my anymore and it's time to move on. I have always been the 'slow kid' so until I have had enough it looks like gradual enlightenment has to be for now unfortunately.