It has been quite a ride in the washing machine. I seem to be on the “Heavy Load” cycle. Plus my hormones are not contributing to this process. Such heavy depression and feelings of low self worth, inadequacy, fear, confusion, apathy, worry and every fricken annoying negative emotion you can imagine are taking place. I just want to sleep. Most of me wants to awaken so badly yet there is a part that does not want to deal with the pain and just sleep to escape the yuckness of it all. I just made a new word like Swamji. This awakening thing can be very confusing. I am living in compete utter insecurity which is supposed to be living enlightenment but minus the bliss. Is there a light at the end of my tunnel? Am I in the right place doing the right thing? For some weird strange reason I thought the road to enlightenment was a blissful one. I suppose at time it can be, and honestly it’s only when I see Swamiji, immediately He melts my pain and everything vanishes into Him and I no longer feel despondent. I had a somewhat interesting experience in yoga today and I can tell you I knew it was coming and I know there is more to come as well. Most recently my kundalini is spiking either when I close my eyes or do asanas and the latest thing is when I am driving to yoga. Anyhow, it’s surging during class and I purposely situated myself in a corner in the back of the room to divert attention away from myself to try and not cause a scene. Mind you I am not fully levitating or rolling around in ecstasy (at least not there). So, my teacher comes up to me (oh God here it comes) and says “I am all for what you are doing but your ‘jingling’ is disturbing others.” “and your breathing can you just try and breath and channel it down?” WHAT!?!? I am thinking! So I tell him what’s going on and I can’t control it blah, blah blah. Then he says “Is this ok with you?” meaning the kundalini, are you kidding me?! Did he really just say that? Isn’t this the reason why we do yoga to raise our kundalini and get freaken enlightened?! and what is this channeling down thing? Shakti only rises up and the things we have to do just to get her to wake up and move for god’s sake! If you only knew buddy! Anyhow, he concluded “can you just stop jingling?” Ok, whatever what was that all about? Now I forgot the whole point of my story. Oh, yea, I got a click from this situation this morning or maybe it just triggered an old painful memory. It was painful for me in a sense this am because the first thing that came to mind was here I am in a situation again where someone is trying to put out my fire again. Which has been a reoccurring theme in my life since the age of 4. All my life when I tried to shine there was always someone to make sure they cast there shadow on me. So what has happened because of this? I just shut down and let everyone else shine and I continued to shrink so that I may not offend or disturb anyone, the result of this has been painful low self esteem and lack of confidence. Me believing the ‘yellow journalist’ tabloid bullshit. So today I feel like I had a huge breakthrough of maybe even for a moment remembering my true Divine self. It’s my party and I can shine if I want to! So get lost I am telling the ‘yellow journalist’. Peace out baby I don’t need you anymore! eN Kriya hammers the kundalini snake to just wake up and vomit nectar not poison. Even though sometimes it feels like poison it’s really amrita and the beautiful thing is along with this amrita comes the jnana and extreme awareness to figure this all out. Kundalini can liberate you from layers and layers of samskaras (engrams) which are responsible for all of our mental and physical disorders. Kundalini can completely wash us. It’s like a car wash or better yet I will give you Swamiji’s version. He says “ I am a huge laundry, washing machine. My presence is the washing machine, words are the detergent and the joy is the water, and eN Kriya is the power supply. Then I eN Label Enlightened.” It can sometimes be a dirty job but I wouldn’t have it any other way!