The Brahma Sutras have been so good for me and so deep. It’s the very thing I needed. My identity is undergoing a huge shift. I recognize all the old engrams singing there song and especially since I am in NM where lot’s of them originated. I have no energy or enthusiasm for my current life right now. It’s of course not the space I was expecting and that is the problem Swamiji says’ If you understand that everything in auspicious, you will drop expectation”. I was expecting to have high energy and enthusiasm and get all sorts of thing done including going hard at my book. By loving and enjoying life, was what I was hoping for. Even the things I was looking forward to like eating, sleeping, cooking and maybe some shopping. Things I used to enjoy, it’s just not there anymore. Don’t get me wrong this is a good thing. This means all my meaningless, useless desires have been burned to ashes thanks to the aid of His glory Shiva himself. I was troubled with so many desires and most of them were not even mine! I just borrowed them from others and society. I had such a deep un fulfillment inside I would observe others and it would appear that they were happy so I thought ‘hmmm, let me try that out too, maybe that will make me happy too.” WRONG. It only lead to more feelings of emptiness and ultimately more depression because then I could add ‘failure’ to the mix. All these were just endorsing the beliefs I had about my self. Which is not my true self, it’s the identity that I have created in order to exist. A false identity. The truth is my true ‘self’ or source is already liberated. It’s just the identity that I am carrying about myself that is keeping me in bondage. Swamiji says that we can never experience a breakthrough if we continue to carry the same identity. He says everything is psycho drama it’s as if we have a ‘yellow journalist’ (that would be equivalent to our tabloid journalist here in the US) in our head constantly writing bad articles about us day and night. Relentlessly publishing garbage left and right, and continuously disgracing us. There is no escaping the violation and at the same time it is damaging our cognizance. The truth of the matter is our identity that we carry about ourself does not have it’s own independent intelligence as we are made to believe. The reason it thinks it is and independent intelligence and has all this power over us is because we give meaning to things. That is problem, we try to give meaning to everything that is happening. Unconsciously we are feeding the ‘identity monster’ without even knowing it. This is how we keep the ignorance alive. When we stop adding meaning to things then we will realize that our identity is not consistent it only appears to be. Like that sign in your rear view mirror “Objects are closer than they appear’ it’s all a deception. Every 21 hours our identity through an automatic retiring mechanism goes back to it’s Source whether we realize it or not it happens. So then how can we ever be to far away from our Source if this is where it consistently returns again and again? We can’t be because our true ‘self’ is an independent intelligence, a living mechanism which exists no matter what. If we can just relax knowing that life is auspicious then we will not be bothered about the “happening’s”. We then become joyous participants in this Divine lila (play).
The moment we stop giving meaning to things and remembering that the sacredness in us is Hiranyagarbha ( Cosmic Womb or the Source of the creation of the Universe) and realizing that life is meaningless then we can live life in an excited way. When the identity that is binding us disappears we experience liberation.